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The War of the Floors
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"A Married and Depressed Man"
A. Marreed & D.
Prestman 'Distressed' Pine Flooring Inc.
Here is my
version of
the truth.
How I became "a married and depressed man".
I can assure you chuckles, and perhaps, a better understanding on
"how marriage works" ... when one "Takes Charge" and "Plans for Success".
By: Jesse Lance
http://www.pineflooring.ca
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The War of the Floors
... A love story ... Unbelievable, but true.
I new better but, I was optimistic when I contemplated marriage — for the second
time — not being aware, of course, that married life would incite "The War of
the Floors" and I would become 'a married and depressed man' in the
mêlée.
In the
beginning ...
French Hostess
I was visiting a sister in Toronto, sitting on her balcony and looking through
the newspaper for an apartment to rent in High Park — in mid-1980's — when a neighbour, one of her
casual girlfriends, came over, excited about "something" she had
purchased in trendy Bloor West Village. I was "out of sight" and able to ignore
the "excited girl" for the most part ... until my sister called me inside to
introduce "Sweetheart Johanne". I didn’t know my sister had "set up" this
introductory session and I didn’t know
that girl was going to join us at
the movie theatre that night. But there I was… ambushed. That evening the girls
had a chatty time at the entrance to the theatre and at the restaurant (at my
gleeful expense) but, I was uncomfortable with The Setup.
"That Girl" called me a few days later to ask if I would like to join her to
share a bottle of Chateau Neuf du Pape, and perhaps, stay for dinner. Better
prepared and "fully fortified" by Johnny Walker (a friend of mine from
Kilmarnock, Scotland), I reluctantly agreed. The "date" went well ...
toooo well, in fact. I was seriously depressed for days thereafter ... I
couldn't concentrate on my work and I couldn't sleep for 18 hours at a stretch.
After she invited me out on two or three more occasions, I had no choice but to
admit to myself that "this girl was special"… but, oh, I
resist change ... and I am sooo...
cautious.
A week, two weeks pass between calls ... again and again, I would reluctantly
accept her invitations. It became evident after a month (or two) I could
not resist a fine wine, a
home-cooked gourmet meal and a pleasant evening of casual and fascinating banter
with an attractive and vivacious French hostess ... and then, experience
featherweight tiptoeing up and down my back. The experience surpassed that of
Singapore Airlines ... my high expectations were being met ... "Beyond Reason".
Something Better
After a few months "That Girl Proposed" … a
change ... "something better". This was a "take charge" type of woman — a Flight
Attendant. I became fully aware that
Air Canada
had spared no expense in training her to Take Charge a person
'authorized' by High command to make firm decisions and carry out the
appropriate action "in any situation" no matter what the consequences to
personal health and safety — an unruly passenger, a forced landing, a crash ...
her professional training covered it all and more.
I began to suffer anxiety
attacks ...
She was
thirty-six year old, never married,
She did
not have another man in her life — or kidz or dogz,
She had no
debt and was financially secure,
She was 5’
6" inches tall and weighed 110 lbs.,
She walked
and exercised with Jane Fonda and ate right,
She spoke
with celebrities regularly and held her own (with a starlit smile),
She was a
certified gourmet cook and set a table with style,
She was
attractive, vivacious, a great conversationalist,
She was
liked by everyone we met,
She had
explored the world in detail and was always exploring,
She had a
global outlook on most subjects,
She was
ever sooooo enchanting…
The Proposal
Her Proposal came in the form of an innocent question; "Wouldn’t it be nice
to do more things together?", she asked.
... That is when trouble erupted in Paradise. Like most men, I am a bit
dumb-on-the-outside and resist-change-inside ... I knew she wanted COMMITMENT
and it was apparent there was little, if anything, I could do to stop her from
taking charge and "shackling" me... no matter how unruly I became.
I was bemused. Why would a woman who travels the world — one that meets all
types of interesting and moneyed men of influential position — want to
commiserate with the likes of me … a self-proclaimed and proud curmudgeon?.
... a happily-single man who goes out of his way to avoid any women-of-interest
... a happily-single man who just wants to read, build things and work hard on
little projects ... projects that will "Change the World".
The Value Proposition
At another of her famous home-cooked gourmet dinners, I voiced my concern over
her Proposal; I don’t mind if you
want "to do more things together"… but, I need space.
No Problem., she replied. This cycle, I’m flying to Singapore, I’m gone for ten
days every month.
What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?
The last time I checked, not all Air Canada flights depart to Singapore (or
anywhere else) for ten days, I said ... some fly to Montreal and back in a
matter of hours.
She was not deterred; True, she admits ... but, I have seniority and I usually
fly overseas; London, Paris, Zurich, Madrid, Tokyo, Beijing, Amsterdam,
Copenhagen ... When I fly The America's I usually fly three to four days every
week ... Calgary, Vancouver, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Buenos Aires/Rio … so
you’ll have space and plenty of time for your projects. When I fly to
Asia I’m gone eight to twelve days and when I fly to Europe I’m gone four to six
days. I know you need time but, when I’m around, we can do a few more things
together.
What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?
I take a deep breath and continue to listen to her build her Value Proposition;
You can fly with me for "Free" if you want to… your ticket is almost free…
$35.00 anywhere Air Canada flies in Canada, $50.00 anywhere Air Canada flies in
Europe (in 1987 dollars). You can have your Johnny Walker
RED
served on flights at No Charge ... your food on flights is No Charge, movies are
No Charge, newspapers and magazines are No Charge, stereo headsets are No Charge… the Purser
might even sit you in First Class and give you a First Class Travel Kit at No
Charge
... and you can sit in the Flight Deck on takeoff and landing if the Captain
gives you permission to visit. Have you ever seen ... Do you enjoy ...
Would you like to ... Can we do that together? ...
Concierge Service
When we get to my destination in Paris, the Crew Bus picks us up at the plane,
Customs is at the plane to check my passports ... "You don’t have to go through
Customs" (in 1987). The Crew Bus takes us to the Paris Hilton — two blocks from
the Eiffel Tower. You stay with me in my room at No Charge. Air Canada
pays (a generous allowance) for food. ... We can go for a drink at The
Eiffel Tower Gardens with my Crew the night we arrive ... I know everything
about getting around in Paris. I know where everything is and the best way
to get there, I can show you more in two days than most people see in a week …
we can walk the Champs Elysees, take in a matinee show at the Lido, tour the Arc
de Tromphe and walk the gardens outside the Louvre ... we can lunch on
baguettes, fresh pâté de foie gras and raspberries, then tour through the quaint
streets of Paris ‘till dawn. On the third day we can walk along the Seine ...
rest by the hotel pool in the afternoon — where you will ignore the 32" to 64"
bare-busts — then, we'll go for a sophluent seafood dinner in the evening.
After that, we can play Mascotti and swim in the Opanphant at midnight and enjoy
Bradera under the heat lamps at the rooftop garden and look east over Paris for
a hint of the rising sun.
I sit in awe and listen:
I am lost in this
world of international travel and privilege.
On the fourth day, we fly home ...
I take a deeper breath and "buckle my seat belt". She continues, with stealth
mobility ... When I’m home, I’m often out with friends — lunches, yoga,
shopping, cycling, walking, talking — you don’t have to come out of your shell —
it’s "Girl Talk" and I treasure
my time with my friends ... or, ... or I'm in Montreal with
my family and friends. You have space ... but when I’m home, we can enjoy
a bottle of wine, share a meal and cuddle together.
I stopped breathing ... Brain Dead. ... drank one-too-many glasses of
Johnny Walker… and reluctantly agreed to go to Paris... but, nothing more. No
commitment ... and certainly no sex "with a wild and worldly woman".
Political Pressure
The next day I thought about her "something better" offer — her Value
Proposition — or more precisely, I thought, of her proposal to get married ...
it seemed practical, reasonable and somewhat enticing. I began thinking more and
more about it. I talked with my family then, I thought about it twenty-four
hours a day for weeks. Everyone agreed "that girl" was better than I ever
deserved … then, The Boss telephoned me; my mother, the formidable former Mayor
of Mattawa in the Ottawa Valley. (Mother met her when she was in Mattawa with my
sister the previous summer.) She was quick to "reassure" me: "Don’t you lose
that
girl. She is special. She is strong, smart, independent
.. she doesn't need you … she is a wonderfully smart, independent woman."
OK mom, I will accept her proposal ... I give up ... everything seems
logical yet nothing makes sense. I must be in love.
The Art of the Deal
Now, I'm astounded; "My Girl" backtracks on her
Proposal of Marriage. ... "I
didn't propose anything ... just a
bit more time together, she exclaims.
No., I say; "YOU ARE PROPOSING MARRIAGE." Because, the fact is, I do not
believe any relationship can work over the long term if one or both people have
"a choice to leave when trouble erupts in Paradise" … especially when the woman
has a driver’s license and a 747 jet parked (and waiting) at Pearson
International Airport.
"If we're going to commit, we're going to get married."
Married. … She retorts; I didn't mean getting
married …
Listen, I retort, more forcefully, I’ve
only had one date in my life before you came along … I don’t "date well" — I
don't like small-talk and I'm not that sociable — I can't maintain three hours
of cuddling for too many more years. Cohabitation without marriage will not work
for me. If we're going to live together, we best get married.
Vivacious
Johanne is shocked ... I didn't mean for you to move in with me, either!
I had quite enough of her backtracking so, I "swept her off of her feet" with my
usual diplomacy... Look, we like
each other ... right? ... we can live together, but, we have to be
married ... and we will learn to love each other over the next thirty or forty
years.
"My Girl" sat down, exhausted, speechless .... and said nothing … "That’s it, I
quip, "You are just like every other woman ... you're not happy until you ruin a
man's life ... we’re getting married."
My Girl
Together we chose an engagement ring and a pair of wedding rings … then we were
off to Montreal to introduce me to her family ... I have never in my life had a
Roast-of-Chicken on a Friday night, a Rack-of-Lamb on a Saturday night and a
Prime-Rib-of-Beef on a Sunday night — all in one weekend.
Good Lord, I want to marry your mother.
After a grand weekend with her family, she asked her elegant and protective
father what he thought of me… "He’s polite, he said, then continued saddened and
almost tearful — "He's English. "… "He'll never embarrass you in public".
With those few artful words, father gave "approval".
I gave my Fiancée her engagement ring at Christmas. A very small wedding was
planned for September.
The wedding went well and I started to travel The World "on weekends"… off to
London, England for four days, down to San Francisco for two days ... mixing
travel with work contracts and getting away almost every month to another
interesting world-class city.
My Girl treated me like Royalty... every time she came home from a flight it was
like Christmas. She brought me
chocolates from Switzerland, a kimono from Japan, cheese from Denmark, wine from
France, leather from Spain, cashmere from England, bubble bath from Germany, art
from Italy, salmon from Scotland. She would not quit bearing gifts.
My "arranged marriage" was sweet. I began to "really, really like "My Girl"…
she even told me she loved me. I asked her why? She replied, "You're kind,
honest, independent, adventurous … a terrible, terrible tease and absolutely
impossible to talk to in a serious fashion … you are fun to be with ... but,
more importantly, you allow me to be me. Not controlling — No questions
asked.
Yeah … I replied; I lost my first wife for those very same reasons.
Trouble in Paradise
For years we enjoyed each other in peace and harmony … then, in 1995 we decided
to build my "dream home". It was stunning; we were "proud parents" … but there
was trouble brewing in Paradise … My Girl and I never "bickered" before, but the
costly hardwood flooring — which was done three times by two different companies
before it was finally "done right" — became an issue that threatened "to do us
in".
We are "clean freaks" and we like things done right. The problem was that we
were in the country with a dog ... but, we were living with "city" flooring.
Sand and debris was always accumulating on my floors from my shoes and
clothing and from my newly adopted dog. Over time, Puppy Jake became an even
bigger issue ... he would grow to seventy pounds and use the hardwood floor as a
"treadmill" and "skating rink" every time the doorbell rang. The doorbell set
him off like a rocket … and it did so often. School kids think a doorbell
"doesn't work" unless they see the door actually open for them to sell their
Easter candy, hockey tickets, cookies, chocolate bars, raffle tickets and
"weeds" they would collect on the side of the road to sell to neighbourhoods ...
suckers like me.
My wife likes plants … so the battlefield moved upstairs — a vista-lounge
covered in 80 oz. luxury carpet. Water from the plants would seep onto the
expensive broadloom — or puppy would knock over a planter — and the carpet got
stained. Then, the ceramic tile in the front foyer cracked and the ceramic tile
in the master bathroom 'split'. "The carpets can stay stained and the tiles can
stay broke." I hollered, at no one in particular — knowing full well, I
would have to clean the broadloom and replace the broken tile or I wouldn't be
able to sleep at night.
My Girl blamed me for the hardwood flooring fiasco because I wanted "a shiny
hardwood floor" and I wanted luxury broadloom. I swore… "The next house we build
will not have hardwood flooring that shows every scratch or carpets that
collects debris and stains and I do not want ceramic that is cold and cracks.
Our marital situation became
sooo...bad, that when I asked My Girl what she wanted for Christmas, she said:
"A Divorce! " I cheerfully responded: "Sorry darling ... could
you pick something else ... I wasn't planning on spending that much this
year!"
My Girl, nonetheless, is like-a-dog-with-a-bone ... she just won't let go!
So, what can we use for flooring in my
next house ... something livable? ... I like the warm look of real wood."
I’m going to install a 'distressed' pine flooring, so when the dog uses it as a
treadmill on his skate to the door ... the wear-and-tear won't show as much ...
if we drop a planter from my shoulder, the "impact" won't glare up at me. She
shot back; pine is a softwood, isn't it. … I’ve seen 'distressed' pine in
restaurants and stores ... it must be durable, but, how’s that going to look in
my new home?
Pine is a durable wood and a beautiful wood, I assured her … it’s softer than
hardwood but it's not butter. Red Pine is four times heavier and denser (harder, tougher, stronger)
than White, Yellow or the American pines ... it has larger, more pronounced
reddish knots and a more vibrant grain ... an excellent choice for flooring
because of its firmness and its dramatic
good looks.
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A Red
Pine floor will still ding, dent and scratch but, 'distressing'
camouflages additional marks ... the eye is not drawn to any particular
mark (new or old) ... and I plan to use an 'animal-friendly' Diamond-Tough
Flood-Coat Finish .
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"We liked the pine flooring in the lodge at Montebello ... it must stand up to
heavy traffic", she says.
I nod in agreement; "Pine has been used for flooring in lodges, luxury houses
and commercial buildings for centuries …it's durable, warm and romantic and it
adds "cuddly" value to a home. I know because I sold a house where the only real
selling feature was the "cuddly, romantic" pine flooring … people "go nuts" when
the see it. But, pine needs to be 'distressed' to camouflage wear and tear … in
fact, over time, it actually looks better because it teaches people that
"comfort" is not built on perfection, it is built on "integrity of intent".
No I'm on-a-roll ... take a look in design magazines and you'll see luxury
cottages in the Muskoka’s and estate homes in The Hamptons and in Martha's
Vineyard ... many with pine flooring — Goldie Hawn has it in her multi-million
dollar summer home on Lake Muskoka.
If it's smart enough for celebrities, high society and millionaires, it's
good enough for us ... that's the solution to my flooring problems."
Kid-and-Dog Friendly
When I set out to find a supplier for 'distressed' pine flooring, no supplier
could be found that could supply what I was willing to put into a new and
valuable home ... so, I decided to experiment with new wood until I was
satisfied that the flooring I developed would satisfy my needs for livability
and longevity ... basically, I needed
Kid-and-Dog Friendly Flooring.
... and, I wanted "the artistic look", not "the plastic look" of hardwood.
After a great deal of research followed by development, I succeeded in creating
"Kid-and-Dog Friendly Flooring". ...
Today, we live a more carefree lifestyle with a large active dog, visiting kids
and tumbling planters. We find there's a big difference in the amount of care
the floor requires. When we had hardwood (in my last few houses) we felt we had
to vacuum at least once, if not twice a day (in the hallway) and mop as often …
with 'distressed' Red Pine flooring, we're comfortable vacuuming and mopping
once or twice a week. my 'distressed' pine flooring is easy-going, it’s warm on
the feet and rich looking. my dog still uses the floor as a "treadmill" and a
"skating rink" every time the doorbell rings but, the floor doesn't expose the
wear-and-tear to the eye as much as hardwood... we don't notice the scratches
(although, we know they are there). We are delighted.
A Memorable Company Name
Looking back, it was only my sense of humour and my "inability to drive or
fly-off, at will" that got us through the house building process and The War
of the Floors ... I would half-jokingly lament to anyone who would listen; "Any
man who lives with a wife and kids and a dog ... and hardwood flooring and
carpeting ... is "a married and depressed man". That is why I named my
little upstart company, A. MARREED & D. PRESTMAN 'DISTRESSED' RED PINE FLOORING".
I'm Home
The War of the Floors is over, but now, I
have other issues to deal with. As young as she is, My Girl now senior with Air
Canada ... Good for her, not so good for me.
Her seniority allows her to choose "better flying" — in effect, same pay,
much
less travel. Her layovers in other countries are much shorter — she refuses to
bid (fly) long layovers anymore — "I miss you and Jake" (my dog) and I miss
being together, I miss gardening and TVA", she says. In fact, outside of a trip
to Japan (on which I accompanied her) my wife has not flown to Singapore or to
any other distant destination for a 10-day stint since before we were married.
Beijing, four days, that's it. Now,
she refuses to venture beyond "an extended turnaround" …fly to Madrid, rest one
day — calamari and a beer on a tapas patio while sitting under an umbrella — fly
home ... "Darling, I'm home for ten days". ... or, fly to Rio,
rest a few days — calamari and a beer on a tapas patio while sitting under an
umbrella — fly home ... "Darling, I'm home for two weeks".
Perplexed, I asked My Girl how many days she will work in June? She says,
"Seven!"
And, how
much time will she have off for holidays this year? "Three-and-a-half months!", she
replied.
You work seven days a month and then you get three-and-a-half months off.,
I stood breathless. I ask you ... how can any marriage
survive that much togetherness? How do "normal" couples manage
day-in-and-day-out ... together?
In effect, Air Canada has (almost) shut down my Gravy Train. It is
much more difficult to get chocolates from Switzerland, a kimono from Japan,
cheese from Denmark, wine from France, leather from Spain, cashmere from
England, bubble bath from Germany, art from Italy and salmon from Scotland. I
ask myself, "what's happening to her Value Proposition" ... the "promise" I was
sold when I gave up my Happy-Single Status in favour of "Something Better"?
I tell my family how tough "Married Life" really is, but they can not relate …
least of all, my late mother, "The Boss", who said; "Don’t you tease "That Girl"
like you did your (six) sisters." And "My Girl’s" father — the Frenchman
who said; "He's English.…"— would he approve of my Going Public with "a
married and depressed man", if he were alive today? … I think YES, he
lived with a wife and three kids and two Scotch Collie dogs and he lived with
scratched hardwood flooring, soiled broadloom and cracked ceramic tile ... he
could easily relate to the grief caused by living with those floors ... he
actually enjoyed my "teasing" his strong-willed daughter. He had a great sense
of humour; he laughed when I told him how I failed in my struggle to avoid
"that girl" … and how she proposed marriage to me … and how I have had
only two dates in my lifetime and I married both of them out of 'pity' for these
women and out of sympathy for their distraught parents.
The Value Proposition
With the success of my warm and romantic 'distressed' Red Pine flooring in our
home, My Girl suggested that there must be a lot of people who would want a new
'distressed' floor for the same reasons we did ... I was elated ...
"You're telling me that The War of the Floors is over", I declared.
"Yes", she says … our floor is beautiful, it’s easy-care and you now know how to
"do it right".
I agree; The War of the Floors must be on a par with The Battle of the
Sexes. So, with "experience to burn" in construction and a love for hands-on
physical labour, I began offering my unique and beautiful 'distressed' Northern
Ontario Wideplank Red Pine
Flooring to Visionary Clients (in 2001) for their homes, cottages and chalets and, to
the business community, for use in retail stores, restaurants, golf clubs, ski
resorts and the like.
Kid and Dog Friendly.
My mind went abuzz... "Kid and Dog Friendly Flooring."... that is the
practical benefit, I exclaim.
It
works.
Marreed-Prestman offers "The Alternative
Wood Floor". Live a Carefree Lifestyle with the Kids and the Dog
... A new 'Distressed' Red Pine floor can take the punishment and
camouflage the abuse. Enjoy the
warmth, beauty and durability of a new "heritage" floor … "Old World" charm,
I say.
(The new "Diamond-Tough" wood floor finishes on the market today elevate Red
Pine beyond the hardness level of some 'so-called' hardwoods. Resins are more fluid and soak into the wood
to toughen up the fibres ... normal "wear-and-tear" is absorbed by the thick topcoat
...)
Unbelievable, but True
My Girl beams with enthusiasm; "I think it's a great idea … I think a lot
of people would want 'distressed' pine flooring for the same reasons we did ...
and ... if you build for someone else, it will get you out of your (home) office
more often. No offence, darling, "you are every woman's dream" ...
I not only married you because your are
handy
and can fix
anything but, you are
incredibly thoughtful. But ... I'd like more time
alone ... to read, plant things and watch TVA ..."
I stood complimented ...
shocked and appalled.
Love is a Force of Nature
As a veteran of The Battle of the Sexes, I was 'prepared' for remarriage
...
I'm a "Take
Charge" kind-of-guy and I "Plan for Success".
I even wrote a "Mission Statement" for marriage ... "In the
event of a threat in my marital relationship — real or implied — whenever my
wife becomes unruly (as women tend to do from time-to-time). " I
will respond with wisdom, love, firmness, self-control and humour.
"You want space ... is that what you're saying
... to me? ", I ask.
Yes., came the firm but
gentle reply ... then she brings on her blissful smile: "You are welcome to come
home in the evenings and you can stay over on weekends."
I paused, shook my head, pushed my tongue firmly
into my cheek and smiled almost graciously; "You know, Love ... there are some
very good reasons why you can 'insult' me like that and get away with it ...
Macadamia Nuts from Hawaii, sourdough bread from San Francisco, cigars from
Cuba, 100% proof rum from Jamaica …".
Postscript: Good News, Bad News.
"My Girl is now RETIRED.
... and, determined to stay home."
Marreed-Prestman
— has successfully completed recreation rooms, urban townhouses, country homes,
a "million dollar" cottage, a house trailer (with two additions), a number of
"family" cottages, semi-detached "retirement" bungalows, urban houses, country
homes and even a penthouse condominium ...
Condo Magic . Marreed-Prestman
also offers
Commercial Interior Design and, now, I have created
the amazing ArtFloor ... a "Wooden Rug"
that is designed to "Change Your Indoor World".
Artistically speaking ... 'Distressed' Red Pine flooring highlights antique,
bohemian, modern and ultra modern furnishings ... and it works well in high
traffic and fairly well in wet' areas like foyers, kitchens and bathrooms with
normal precaution (do not leave water 'sit' on any wood floor for an extended
period of time).
My installation and artistic methods have expanded and improved and continue to
evolve in accordance with client requirements and my need to express "quality,
art and functionality" ...
client homes and cottages are literally transformed and elevated and clients
beam with excitement and extend their compliments on my uniquely Canadian
product ... a product that delivers on its promise of livability, longevity and
value.
Now, I am busy with processing DIY Orders and working on Full Installations, year round ...
I personally do all of the installations and finishing with one crew...
therefore, supply for Full Installation is limited by availability ... to create
your 'Limited Edition' floor. Usually, I am "sold out" months in advance,
otherwise, I
enjoy "the opportunity to work on my little 'world-shattering' projects".
Will your new floor be one of my Artistic Limited Editions?
Can I accommodate your needs ...
Thank you to my past and present clients who have had very specific and
interesting reasons4buying
and who understand the uniqueness of a one-of-a-kind Red Pine flooring (price
vs. value). I have (with my crew) installed a one-of-a-kind
artistic floor — and millwork — for each of you. The work has been enjoyable and
rewarding.
Johanne: Air Canada Flight Attendant, Retired
(after 35 years service at age 58)
"My Girl is
now RETIRED. ... and, determined to stay home."
"a married and depressed man", I remain,
Jesse Lance,
President
A. MARREED & D. PRESTMAN 'DISTRESSED' RED PINE FLOORING —
www.PineFlooring.ca —
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